Unemployed Larry – Dear Mark Zuckerberg

Hey Gang! It’s me, Larry Begonia. As you may know, I’ve been unemployed for, oh gosh, close to four months? That long already? Hoo-ey! Hard to gage the time with the wife and kids up and gone. They were the ones with the watches!

It’s been real tough trying to stay in touch with my kids, Larry Jr. and Little Candy (seems Big Candy discontinued their cellular phone service—don’t blame her, we were long overdue with the payments), so I asked myself, “Larry, what are the kids doing these days?” And I answered myself, “Larry, they’re on The Facebook!”

So I called up Jimmy Triller from next door, and he gave me a few pointers (thanks again, Jimmy!). Taught me how to “tag” and “de-tag” and “friend” and “de-friend”—but we all know, a friend of Larry Begonia’s is a friend for a lifetime, so I don’t think I’ll be doing much de-friending, myself. Always nice to have the option, though.

I’ll copy and paste my page here, but you should really check it out on The Facebook. And maybe even “friend” me, too, while you’re at it. ;)

After I uploaded the whole darn thing, Jimmy called me up and told me that the “Interested in” question up in Basic Information indicates “sexual preference.” Gosh, I thought it meant “Who do you find interesting, males or females?” I thought it sounded odd, and a bit of a set-up for sexism. I find many males interesting and many females interesting (and many men uninteresting and women uninteresting, too.) Who knew it meant “interested in to date“! That’s sure confusing. There should really be some sort of User’s Guide for The Facebook. Help a guy out. Don’t want to make a cyber faux pas, heck no.

Which got me thinking. That Mark Zuckerberg sure must be a smart fellow to come up with a webpage like The Facebook. Sure smart, but a real young guy. I bet he’d appreciate a word or two of advice from a fellow who’s been around the Home Depot block (my power-walking route!) a time or two. So I wrote him a letter. I’ll copy and paste it here.

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Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

Hey there! I’m Larry Begonia, former financial planner with Merrill Lynch, but don’t hold that against me!

I’m new to The Facebook scene and had a thought. See, it’s hard for me to stay in touch with my kids now that the wife’s relocated them and has yet to inform me where in God’s green earth they are, and I know there’s a good many hard-working, well-meaning Dads just like myself in a similar predicament. Now, I’ve tried to “friend” Larry Jr. and Little Candy, but they have yet to “accept my friendship request.” (Must be some faulty Internet where they are.) I can’t even look at my own kids’ The Facebook profiles! Seems downright unfair.

Here’s my idea: create a system for parents—and ONLY parents, there’s a ton of creep-o’s out there—allowing them to look at their kids’ The Facebook webpages without their kids needing to accept the friendship requests. I’d sure like to know the latest in their young little lives—heck, I’d like to know where they’re living!

Once you create this “application,” as I’m told it’s called, us parents could provide our kids’ social security codes—had ‘em memorized the moments they were issued back in 1994 and 1998!—thereby ensuring a safe way to track our kids down.

Let me know what you think, son—and I hope you don’t mind me calling you “son.” You remind me of a younger version of myself, from what I can tell from your Wikipedia page.

And allow me to “plug” myself here, too, while we’re at it. I see that you have many an advertisement on The Facebook, which means the bucks must be rolling in. As a young fellow, I can imagine that this is all very confusing and overwhelming. What to do with the money, where to put the money, how to think about the money… All great questions. Sounds like you need a financial planner to help with the answers. Give me a call, any time.

Call me “Friend”!
Larry Begonia

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Mailed that puppy off not three minutes ago. Expect to hear from him soon.

Thanks again for the “Interested in” advice, Jimmy. Can you imagine me as a homosexual? I sure can’t!

Fixing myself a bowl of oatmeal now—got to love the Quaker Oats. You ever notice how even after you eat a whole bowl of oatmeal, you’re hungry again not a half hour later? Not altogether satisfying, I’d say.

‘til next time,
Larry Begonia