MEET: “Doctor” Nance – On Gluttony

The following is a transcript of Sirius Radio Scheduled Program 9320194, Episode 01.

NANCE
Hello? Are we on yet? Blanche, are we on? … Are we— Oh, okay, I’m getting the thumbs up, I’m guessing here we’re on-air. We’re on-air? … Alrighty, okay, great.

Hello Farmington! … My name is Nance Omitting-My-Last-Name-for-Protection-Purposes, and welcome to “Ask Doctor Nance.” … What, Blanche? … I’m getting to it, Blanche. … That’s okay, dear. … Just let me—Okay.

Now, many of you know Nance Mm-Mm as a no-nonsense, take charge kind of gal, and this here no-nonsense, take charge kind of gal don’t like things she’s seeing around her town. She sees greed, she sees lust, she sees infidelity and she, yup, she sees some coveting, too.

So a friend of mine, Mary Sue, she said, “Nance. You are so no-nonsense. You offer real sound advice and you don’t cost a dime. You’re better than a therapist—better than Dr. Laura, even.” I told Mary Sue, I said, “Mary Sue. I earned my degree in the school of common sense and the classroom of practical know-how.” And she said, “Nance. You’ve got a gift.”

I tell you something, people: I want to share that gift with you. I’ve got some real no-nonsense ideas for just how to fix this crazy messed-up world of ours. All you need to do, is ask.

As for the call-in number, I distributed fliers at church yesterday. If you didn’t receive one, or you didn’t show up to church—and you know who you are—you know what to do.

Let’s go to the phones. … Blanche? Blanche, let’s go to the phones? … No, dear, you speak into your own microphone. … Next to your hand, there.

BLANCHE
Hi there, Farmington! Oh, it’s so funny to hear your own voice in your head like a radio!

NANCE
Yes, Blanche, we are on the radio. Who’s our first caller?

BLANCHE
No, no one, not yet.

NANCE
Alrighty, okay, great. Let’s give it a few.

(Three minutes pass. SNEEZE.)

BLANCHE
God bless you, Nance!

NANCE
And God bless you, Blanche.

(Four minutes pass.)

BLANCHE
This was so clever of you, Nance. A Sirius Radio show, my gosh.

NANCE
Mmhmm.

BLANCHE
I guess the whole world can hear us, huh? It’s on the satellite. Past Farmington!

NANCE
Mmhmm, that’s right.

(Twelve minutes pass.)

BLANCHE
Maybe, Nance, maybe you should get the conversation started with an observation…?

NANCE
No, Blanche, I’d rather the community speaks first. Own up to the error of its ways. But thank you for the suggestion.

BLANCHE
Oh, it’s no problem, Nance. It’s just, you know we pay for this radio booth and all this equipment here by the minute—But you’re right, you’re right, you are definitely right… Gimme a sec, huh? I need to… Ladies’ room…

NANCE
Mmhmm.

(Six minutes pass.)

BLANCHE
I’m back, and oh, look it! We have our first caller!

NANCE
Alrighty, okay, great. Yes, you’re on “Ask Doctor Nance.” Blanche, I tell you, I just love the way that sounds. … Hello?

CALLER 1
Hello, Nance?

NANCE
Birdie, is that you?

CALLER 1
It most certainly is! This is Birdie from Farmington.

NANCE
Birdie, tell me why you’re calling.

CALLER 1
Well Blanche over there rang me up—

BLANCHE
[Loud laughter] Biride, you’re such a kidder! Tell Nance your problem, won’t you?

CALLER 1
My what? Oh, my problem. Well Nance, you’re just so no-nonsense, and I absolutely agree with your sum-up of the town. Violations of the Good Word, that’s what we’ve got here. And heathens, that’s our problem. Heathens in Farmington. It’s just not right—it’s wrong.

NANCE
You are one-hundred-and-two percent right there, Biride. Tell me what specifically.

CALLER 1
I tell you, Nance, I’ve got a heathen right in my own home. My daughter, you know the one, she’s got this boyfriend who’s just about moved in here, and I just know they’re having a whole lot of pre-marital relations right up in her godforsaken childhood bedroom—

NANCE
That sounds like a family issue I’d rather not get involved in. Let’s talk about your weight problem.

CALLER 1
My…weight…? Nance, am I hearing you right—

NANCE
It’s called gluttony, dear, and the extra inches on the waistline only separate you further from His love.

BLANCHE
[Gasp] Nance!

NANCE
Blanche, please. If Jesus sets himself down from Heaven tomorrow and tries to hug you… I’m just saying, how’s he supposed to get his arms around you? Wouldn’t you like to feel his embrace?

CALLER 1
I’m speechless. I don’t know what to… I just thought… Nance, what… [incoherent sobbing].

BLANCHE
Oh Nance, she’s crying!

NANCE
That’s alright, that’s okay, that’s great, cry it out there, Birdie. Just don’t work yourself into a hunger exhaustion.

CALLER 1
You think I’m fat?

NANCE
Everyone does, dear.

(A minute passes.)

NANCE
My last trip to Six Flags with the kids, we see this young man wearing a t-shirt: “No fat chicks.” Now, that sentiment may very well apply to the young fellow’s dorm room, but I’d like to think it translates to the Kingdom of God, as well. No sinners equals no gluttons equals no fat chicks, dear.

(A minute passes.)

BLANCHE
Birdie? You still there?

NANCE
Blanche, shh. She’s thinking it through.

(Two minutes pass.)

NANCE
Birdie, dear.

CALLER 1
Yeah?

NANCE
Think of Jesus. Who knows if he ate a thing at the Last Supper.

CALLER 1
No, I suppose he might’ve been too busy prophesizing to eat…

NANCE
You’re going to be just fine. Start with cutting saturated fats.

(A minute passes.)

BLANCHE
I think she hung up, Nance.

NANCE
Alrighty. Okay, great. I’m spent! Let’s wrap this up, Blanche.

BLANCHE
Don’t you want to sign off there, Nance—Okay, she’s taken off her headphones. Do remember to pick up that flier down at church so y’all can call in next time. Doctor Nance is looking forward to it! Isn’t she the greatest? Cuts right to the quick—oh my we’ve gone over our allotted—

End of transcript.